Updated: May 24
I wish you all knew how tired I am. Tired of my life, tired of being me, tired of everything!
I sleep tired, I wake up tired, I am tired all day.
I have tried everything; Tried to pop pills so I can sleep, pop pills so I have some energy, tried to exercise (I cannot stay consistent), and even tried sex. Nothing seems to work.
I want to pack and leave. I just want a break. I hear people saying they want a break, but majority want a weekend break, a week’s break, even a month’s break. I want more than that. Six months would be great, or three, although I just might need a year. I do not know how much time I need. All I need is to escape.
I think about relocating, going to start my life all over. But I cannot. I cannot just pack and walk away from the responsibilities that are stuck on my shoulders. I have thought about finding work in other cities and countries. It would be a great excuse, a perfect opportunity to start over. However, I cannot leave my family, it would be irresponsible. I would be abandoning them and moving with them is not an option, not now. The kids are too young, and I am the primary care giver of my parents.
But man, I really want out. I want out of my life. I want to pack and leave.
Is it possible for someone to be outgoing, kind, empathetic, highly self-aware, but still struggle with emotions? That is me. I rarely express my emotions, not by choice, but simply because I never grew up expressing them.
Well, here is a sneak into my emotional space.
I have been trying to keep it together, but it has been so hard. It is exhausting and I do not know how long I can keep it. I am afraid I might lose it.
My performance has dropped in all areas of my life. I have lost my mojo; I know it, but I have been covering up and I am not sure how much more I can keep this up. Some days it feels like I will break down, my emotions are all over the place, just waiting to be triggered and the floodgates will open. I feel sad, anxious, worried, empty, afraid and everything in between.
My partner has been my source of strength, I do not know what I would do without them; but weuh, the struggle is real. I feel like I am losing it, am losing my strength, I am losing my joy, I am losing interest in life, I am losing interest in things that used to make me happy. I no longer get excited about work; I have lost the drive. I am losing myself and becoming someone else. I am cracking, I am breaking, I am slowly slipping down a dark road. The lights are no longer bright, and the music has lost its taste. Alcohol does nothing to lift my spirits. I have started smoking, it gives me a relief, allows me to exhale, just for a minute. So, I take a puff and with it comes an urge for another one. I do not want to become an addict, it starts that way, right?
Sometimes your friends or loved one’s change. They become busy, distant, joyless, and silent. You notice, you might even ask or make a comment about it, but then you move on with life everyone is dealing with stuff. But let me tell you, I am that person. I have become withdrawn, I rarely hangout with my friends or family. I keep to myself because sometimes my mood changes in ways I cannot control. I get triggered by things, including things that should bring joy. I could be having a good time with people and then suddenly, I want to leave. I want to go home. I get this cloud of sadness and it engulfs me in ways I cannot explain. So, it becomes hard to smile, and I find myself struggling to have conversations. In instances where I cannot leave, I find comfort in my phone, or I find a corner and take time out.
I wish you knew how hard this is…how scary it is to know you are losing yourself and you desperately want to save you, but you cannot get the strength to.
But I still have hope. I know it is not easy, but I believe it will be well. Soon, I hope.
The reason I chose to share my story anonymously, is because very few people know about my struggle with depression. My family does not know, and I will never tell them. It would break them to know that I have been struggling.
When people open, we sometimes subconsciously label them, or change how we interact with them and that is scary for many, me included. I have seen how two of my friends struggled when I told them. They did not know what to do or how to manage me. Truth is, I did not how I wanted to be treated, particularly because I did not want pity and was also just trying to figure it out myself. So, I told them I had been struggling with depression and anxiety, but I wanted them to treat me as they normally did. Ironical, right?
Well, it has been a journey of walking together. We have an agreement; how they can check on me, how to tell when I have shut down, when to let me be and when to push me. They now understand when am unable to show up, they can sense the silence, they are patient when am anxious. They deliberately ask me how I am really doing, when I was last in therapy and how that is going.
It still is not easy, I still have moments when I hide, disappear from them, from everyone. Some days I just sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing all day. Not because I do not have work, but I lack the mental and physical energy to do it. I feel like am in a hole, a hole where I am unable to pull myself out of. But I am grateful that I can call them, and I am no longer embarrassed to break down in front of them. They have been my support and I am grateful.