Just So You Know, I Have Been Dropping Balls
They say one of the telltale signs of depression is when you lose interest in things that once gave you joy. For the last several years, my single prayer to God has been to give me joy. I have moments of happiness, derived from something or someone and then it fizzles out and I go back to the nagging empty feeling.
I am no longer the person I used to be. I am not as productive as I once was. Granted, I have been super busy and working like crazy, but I wish you knew how I do it. I have weeks/days when I am full of energy and am churning out work, and others where I am completely unproductive, even though my in-tray is full.
This thing has made me drop so many balls and I keep dropping them. I have lost work opportunities and some assignments just fall of because I am unable to function, and I am embarrassed to ask for extensions. You see, I was this extremely efficient person. I was constantly on top of my game. If you gave me a task and I promised to deliver it by a certain date, you would be sure, it will be delivered on or before the said date. I have lost that. I am always late on my assignments. I am constantly having to apologize for the delay in getting back to people. It has become a moody affair and I do not like it at all.
When I am in the mood, I will be extremely productive. I will grind all day; I will put in the hours, and I will deliver quality work. In fact, I will exceed expectations. But when am not in the mood, ohh my....am a total mess.
I no longer find joy in the things I used to enjoy and so I am no longer doing them.
And do you know what makes it worse? No one seems to notice. No one has asked me if am, okay? I know some may have noticed some change, but no one is asking. I wish they asked. I wish they came up to me and said they notice the change. That I have lost interest in certain things, and they want to know if am okay or did something change. Asking means they see, they notice, and they care. But they have not asked, and in typical human behavior, they have moved on. They have found someone to replace me. And I cannot blame them; everyone is dealing with their own issues. But that makes me sad, it reminds me that I was just a tool to them, I was simply a resource and since am not giving, they find the next person who will give them what they want.
What if they asked? Would I tell them the truth that I have been struggling with depression? I know I would not, but it would motivate me to stick it out because what I do matters to others. But who knows, right?
I want the old me back, the me that was efficient and effective 365 days, 24/7. I want the me that delivered on time. The me that was good with deadlines. The me who responded to emails within 2 hours. The me that did not shy away from work because working was in my DNA. It was part of me.
I worry that if I do not get sorted soon, I will one day drop a big ball and I will not be able to recover. And that raises my anxiety levels .